Are people born "gay"?

Are people born gay? It's an interesting question. My mother sent me an e-mail yesterday that led us to discuss this very subject. She told me that she had seen a television program this past Sunday night in which an actor (John Barrowman) explores the subject of his sexual orientation scientifically to see if he can find out why he is who he is. Here are the details:

TORCHWOOD’ JOHN BARROWMAN GOES ON A JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY NEW ONE-HOUR SPECIAL PART OF BBC AMERICA REVEALS

Barrowman seeks to answer the question: why am I the way I am? In this one-hour special, Barrowman sets out to unearth what the latest scientific research can tell him about the origins of his homosexuality.

His search for evidence takes him back to his roots to meet family and old friends. He also meets with psychologists and geneticists, compares his DNA to his heterosexual brother's, and conquers his claustrophobia to undergo a brain scan - all in the quest to find out how nature and nurture might have interacted to make him who he is.

Barrowman tells the BBC: "My sexuality has never been deliberately hidden. I'm in a committed relationship with the love of my life, Scott Gill, and he is as much a part of the family as my sister's husband, Kevin, and my brother's wife, Dot. However, just because I'm comfortable with my sexuality doesn't mean that I'm not curious about it and that's one of the reasons I agreed to take this journey to discover the making of me."

If you would like to view this page, go here: The Making of Me: John Borrowman

Although I did not see this program, my mom tells me that John found out that (after testing) that he did not have the genetic markers that would be common with other gay folk nor did he have low testosterone levels. In fact, his genetic markers were exactly the same as his straight brother's and his testosterone levels quite high. They determined that it was also not a lack of "nurture" in his life that made him the way that he was as his family had always accepted him and loved him. So what made John gay? It's a good question. I'm not sure what they decided via the show but I am going to delve into it tonight. Just my theories and thoughts

Ready? Good..

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a real "tom-boy". Meaning that I loved to do things that most "girly-girls" didn't really like to do--like wear jeans or boots or spend my time playing in the dirt. I remember loving my dolls (although never Barbie!) and all the other little girls things, but I also adored my little brother's "guy" toys. Of course he played dolls with me and I played with Hot Wheels with him but I remember having my own G.I. Joe and cowboy Johnny West too. I loved spending my time outside, could run with the best of them and even beat a few boys at basketball in junior high school. I vividly recall wishing as a very small child that I could be a boy. Of course that was only because my grandfather seemed to prefer my younger brother to me and always made it seem that being male was much more important than being female. It hurt my young tender feelings to play "second fiddle" and I remember wishing I were a boy so he would love me just the same. Looking back, I know that my grandfather did love me although in his day, men were absolutely the stronger sex. I remember wanting to work in my his garage like my brother. I thought that it sounded exciting. I insisted on it in fact and actually had the gall to ask for my own toolbox! (GASP!) I got it all right too--but inside it was a very "girly" housecoat--something I absolutely hated. When I saw it, I immediately felt that it had marred my want of the toolbox. I felt somewhat slighted too. To me, the message was clear-- girls have to be real girls--and in my grandfather's day, it meant staying home, cleaning house, shopping, ironing, obeying your husband..

Uh.....NO...

Even at seven years old I knew that this wasn't life at its best--it wasn't the life I pictured for myself either so I decided that being a "boy"was probably the very best plan. I remember asking my mom for boy's clothes, boy's shoes and I tried in every way to BE a boy--for a while. Boys were incredibly special weren't they???
Why would I want to be a girl?

Ah-ha, you may say, so this is why you are in a relationship with a woman today. You want to be male! It was created in you as a child and you are just carrying that hurt still on the inside.

Coupled with the fact that I had an emotionally abusive (alcoholic) father, it does sound reasonable doesn't it?

Honestly, I don't think so..

The truth is that by the time I exited childhood, I had very easily come to grips with the fact some folks would always believe that male children were superior beings and that no amount of wishing on my part would ever change that. And frankly I grew tired of trying to change myself in any way. I was ME after all and I became determined to BE the real me whether anyone else liked it or not.

Today I have to say that I am VERY happy to be a woman and also to be WITH a woman. My partner tells me that she has no desire to be male and thankfully neither do I. We both dress in women's clothes, do our hair, our make-up and love our jewelry. In short we enjoy doing all of the things that other women do. Happy? Yes--very-- and I find so much joy in being female. I wish my grandfather could have only known how special that really is..

So in spite of my "raising" I am definitely not in the category of a "lesbian" who wants to be "butch". And my partner is very feminine. Confusing? Perhaps...

Could it be that I was not actually "born" (or made by family circumstances) gay. Maybe it was a simple matter of finding the right person at the right time and being spiritually mature enough to see that. It wasn't gender that made me love her--it was her soul, her personality, her very being. This is what I believe.

I also believe-though some may disagree-that all people are actually born "bi-sexual"- meaning that given the right circumstances, the right environment and the right person that each of us could choose to be with either sex.

In my opinion, all people are born the same although I will admit that there may be some who are more "bent" in a certain way than others. I look at this the same way that I look at most other things in life-some people prefer Italian food over Chinese. To each his own..

But in the beginning, I believe that we all come into this life as bi-sexual beings. My thought is that we become who were are (sexually) because of what we are taught or what our experiences are in life. I do believe that sometimes abuse by a person of the opposite sex can make someone so afraid that they run into the arms of the same sex. But I also believe that children can be "taught" to prefer one sex over the other. If you are raised in a home where heterosexuality is strictly the norm, then there's not much chance that you will veer away from it. Very strict religious teaching can have it's effect too. So many people are programmed to be exactly what they were taught in the religion of their parents choice. And the first five years of life is the most impressionable time for a child. Need I say more?

I can honestly say that I was raised in a totally heterosexual home and a religious one too. I was always interested in guys right from the very start and I'm sure my early experiences in life had a lot to do with that. I remember that I had a big crush on my aunt's (then) sixteen year old boyfriend when I was four years old. Sometimes I guess it starts early...

I would also say that I was a pretty normal teenager. I had crushes on the good-looking guys in high school, displayed posters of all the cute "teen idols" of the day and ended up marrying a guy right out of high school. Until I met my partner, I can honestly say that I never gave any thought to dating a woman.

So was I "born" this way? No--not any more than John Barrowman was born anything other than average just like his brother. I am sure that if they checked MY genetic markers that they would find me just as "normal" as my heterosexual mother and siblings. My mom, too, by the way, admits that she was a huge "tom-boy" growing up. So were many of my friends and acquaintances. So many "straight" women that I know today were not the typical little girls in frilly dresses and bows. Yet, they are heterosexual. It seems that delving into the other sexes lifestyle has no effect on what our sexual orientation turns out to be.

So to me, it is a choice. Maybe not one we make consciously, but I do think we choose whatever sexual orientation we want to have. Some choose to be lesbian totally and others gay. Of course some choose to be both and therefore are considered "bi-sexual".

Would I choose to be with another man today if I were not with my current partner? It's a good question. I would say probably not because the fulfillment I have found with another woman has far eclipsed any relationship I have had with a man. Honestly, if something were to happen between my partner and me, I would probably not be with anyone. I feel that this relationship was the one that I was supposed to have in this life and when it is over, then for me, all is over. I've never felt that way before about anyone but I do feel this way now. Sometimes I think there is just a karmic connection that is meant to be and can never be broken or replaced. I think about Johnny Cash and his first wife Vivian. Who could deny their everlasting love? (Notice I did not say June Carter. Read the book, "I Walked The Line" by Vivian Cash for a different perspective on the Johnny/June saga.)

So how do we choose who we want to be with? I believe we choose it the same way that anyone else chooses it. We fall in love with the person, the soul, and the being. If you are heterosexual, ask yourself what made you fall in love with the person you are with. Was it their laugh-their sense of humor? Was it their kindness? Their position in life? What was it? For me, it was many things and it is those things that are sustaining our relationship to this day. Love Will Keep Us Together says the Captain & Teneille song and it's so very true. When everything else is gone, love remains.

Thoughts or comments anyone? I'd love to hear what you have to say..

Why a same-sex relationship?

My mom sent me an interesting e-mail today and I have decided to make it the subject of today's blog post. I had already given some thought as to writing about this at a later time, but today seems like the RIGHT time, so here we go:

Question:
Why do people get involved in same-sex relationships? Question back: "Why do people get involved in heterosexual relationships?"
Answer:
Simply, because they want to. Most of the time, it is because they are in love.

For me and the one that I love, this was certainly true. It is also still true to this day. I am deeply in love with the person I am with and frankly I believe that my commitment to her is much deeper than that of most heterosexual couples.

And on that note, let me say that it always baffles me as to why the same people who would deny my partner and I the right to marry would have no problem being unfaithful to their very own husband or wife. Divorce rates among heterosexuals are quite high, yet very many of the same-sex couples that I know are very committed and faithful. Wouldn't those that are truly committed be the same ones who should marry?
Marriage is, after all, suppose to be about faithfulness and loving each other "to death do us part.."
How many heterosexual people do you know who live like that? Ask yourself this question and be honest..

I did indeed fall in L-O-V-E with the person that I have been with for almost seven years now. You might be surprised to know that it wasn't in the beginning a physical attraction. That came later--much, much later.. We actually "fell" for each other at first by e-mail-- later by phone. I didn't even know what she LOOKED like for quite some time, nor had she seen my picture. She and I simply talked, shared and felt a bond developing between us that we could not explain. We talked about it a lot in those first days and were amazed. We simply had to "be with" each other in some way. It was already a feeling of "I can't live without you."

Ours was a whirlwind courtship but that could be said for just about any couple. We were many states apart but finally met about three months after we first chatted online. I can only describe our meeting as "magic." It was as if we had known each other forever and were just waiting to find each other again. For those that believe in past lives, I would have to say that I felt very much like I had known her for all eternity. Perhaps we have always been together in one way or another. It's something to ponder..

To say we instantly liked each other would be an understatement. Quite honestly we had to be physically close to each other all the time from the moment we met. I remember the tears when we had to leave each other finally after that first meeting. She had to go back home and so did I. We did go back, but we didn't stay apart. We didn't stop talking either and the bond grew deeper.

I have to admit that although there was no physical (sexual) attraction for me at first, there was very much a feeling that I had a "crush" on her. I blushed when she smiled at me and she made me feel all funny inside. I thought she was beautiful (in a very non-sexual way), cool, and so much fun to be around. We got together again about six weeks after our first meeting--this time at her house. But it was not before we admitted our feelings to each other. And what an incredible relief to finally SAY it. I remember the struggle that we had trying to find the words to tell the other how we felt at that time. We danced all around it but never could never quite just admit it. Finally I think she couldn't take it anymore and said.."Ok..here it is.." And there is was; thankfully, we have never looked back. I remember the first time we told each other that we loved each other..It gave me goosebumps then and still does now. Yes, I am still in love seven years later.

So after much soul-searching and talking about what was happening to us, we were at last free to admit that we were in love. Never mind the fact that she had been married to a man for 17 years and so had I. In fact, I had three children that I was raising at the time although my relationship with their father had long deteriorated.

So for us, it was love that brought us together. We were falling in love just like anyone else would. There was no difference in our love and that of a heterosexual couple-nothing except for the fact that we were both women. Imagine that!

I think that there is a perception today by many people that anyone who is interested in someone of the same sex is interested in ONLY sex or that aspect of the relationship. Somehow we are perceived as people without morals or somehow depraved or wicked. It bothers me quite a lot that we are all lumped into the same category and most of the time without even being known personally. I have to ask the question: "Are all heterosexual couples only interested in each other for sex?" "Are they all heterosexuals depraved in some way?" The answer of course is no and there is absolutely no difference with homosexual relationships. No two can possibly be alike.

So are people "born" gay? This was the subject of my mom's email to me today. Stay tuned and tomorrow I will explore that very question.

And by the way, feel free to post your comments and thoughts on any of these posts. All I ask is that you be respectful and polite. Honesty is not a bad thing, but how you present it is another.

Goodnight! :)

Blame it on Patsy Cline

I suppose I could blame the whole thing on Patsy Cline. It was she after all who brought us together. In case you have just tuned in, this blog is about me..about us- about the person that I love -and yes she IS a woman. Certainly a subject worthy of some "loose talk", don't you think?

Patsy Cline sang the song "Loose Talk" in concert many times as it was one of her favorites-yet she never recorded it. Really it was not her song-it was Carl Smith's song although Patsy (as usual) did it much better. (If you want to hear a really rockin' version of it, check out Patsy Cline: Live at the Opry ) The line in the song.."and happy we could be if some folks would leave us alone.." reminds me of the struggle that is going on at the moment over the rights (or lack of rights) of same sex couples. If you read the lyrics to the song you can see that it's about folks talking "loosely" about a couple, saying things like they are unhappy and "they'll break apart.." It seems that sometimes people in our society have a hard time believing that certain people can just be normal and happy--no matter how much "loose talk" is made against them.

Since our "loose" talking society both offends and affects me, I have decided to write about it. I am hoping that by chance someone reading this (out of curiosity or even out of downright outrage) may continue to read and see that "we" are not really any different than anyone else. We are not child molesters, abusers of any kind, nor are we sick or depraved. We are quite simply two people in love who want to be married (with the same rights as other married couples) and spend the rest of our lives together.

I am also hoping that this blog may give some comfort to that person out there who struggles with "who they are" and wonders if they are indeed "normal". To you I say, yes, you are a normal human being and you can love and be a committed spouse or partner no matter what our "loose talking" public (or media) have to say. Will it be easy? No, not at first, but as you become more comfortable with being yourself, you will come to realize that change never happens overnight. It won't happen in this country overnight either but it WILL happen. Trust me-- it will happen. We have come too far to give up and let other people decide for us how we should live. Yes, we are Americans, and that means we deserve to have the same freedom and the same rights that all Americans have. Regardless of personal belief or religious conviction, we all do have that right.

So if you are at the moment one of the closed minded, keep reading. Sometimes things are not always what they seem...