I haven't posted here in a long time and I have been feeling kind of guilty about that. A blog should be updated on a regular basis, but lately I have been kind of at a loss as to what to say..
Writer's block maybe? I'm going to try to break out of that a little bit today..
I titled my post "Blue" because that is how I'm feeling at the moment. Blue, because Thanksgiving is coming soon and "Heart" and I will not be together again this year. We won't be with each other to hold hands and tell each other what we are thankful for. No, we will be apart and maybe I'm too sentimental or something but that fact is something that really bothers me.
Aren't couples suppose to be together on holidays? Can you ever imagine your mom and dad (or mom and mom or dad and dad) being apart then? I can't and I can tell you that my heart is breaking that my partner in life and I will be part on yet another holiday.
I have to admit that this has been a tough issue for us for as long as we've been together. You see, "Heart" feels a strong loyalty to the family she came from and they live in another state some ten hours away. Now, let me say that they have never come down here for holidays--she has always gone back there and this time will be no different. She's leaving this next Wednesday and will spend the entire holiday there. In fact, she won't be back until the next Monday. And to add insult to injury (to me anyway), she is off school the whole time. You see, she has been going to school (online) for the past year and a half and naturally our "couple" time has been cut back. In fact, it has pretty much annihilated-something that makes me very sad indeed. So now she is going to be on break from school but gone. Blue only begins to describe how I feel right now...
You see, before now, time around holiday was tough for me to get off work. So even if "Heart" could take several days off and be away, I could not. It always bothered me but there was really nothing that we could do. I would get the standard, Christmas eve, Christmas day, etc off but that was pretty much it. No extra time at all so I could not even attempt to go back "home" with her then. Or even spend any time with her. Some of the time I had to watch her leave and be gone on the only days I was off work around the holidays. Once I spent about a week here alone with only the cats and dog to keep me company. She was leaving and I had the flu. She didn't realize how sick I was before she left but the point is, she was gone and I spent Christmas eve, Christmas day and the day after sleeping in our recliner- getting up only to microwave something quick so I could go right back to sleep. I had planned to drive a few hours to see my folks since "Heart" was going to be away, but even that was impossible. I was really sick and all alone on Christmas. I think that was probably one of the saddest times of my life.
I don't want to be depressing here but when I started this blog, I wanted to be able to write about some very real issue that same-sex couples face and I have to say that this is one of ours. Of course heterosexual couples face this stuff too but in some ways, I think they have a little easier time with these kind of things. In my mind, no heterosexual couple would even THINK of spending a holiday apart because they (and everyone else) view themselves as a true COUPLE. I think sometimes when same-sex couples are not married that they tend to think of themselves a a couple yes-but maybe a little less tied together. And I believe that others see them this way too.
It's not that they don't love each other or are committed to each other but think about this-- even in the heterosexual world, if two people just live together, they are not seen in the same light as two people who marry. It's just not the same thing. I guess marriage in most people's mind cements that bond that is between two people and validates their commitment. Yet marriage is a right that is denied to many very loving committed same-sex couples-including us. Kind of unfair isn't it?
At any rate, "Heart" and I will be apart on this Thanksgiving. I do want to say (without breaking her confidence) that one of the reasons she feels so compelled to go back to her home state is that she has a sibling that is very sick. I can certainly understand how that might feel but yet at the same time, before sickness was an issue, she and I were apart for the holidays many times.
Her family dynamics are different than mine and I have to admit that I struggle to understand it and deal with it all sometimes. "Heart" simply feels a sense of loyalty to her family of origin that seems to supersede everything and I have to admit that hurts me quite a lot.
I think the worst thing too is that I cannot just decide to go back there with her either. She has, another sibling who both she and I have mentioned on an earlier post, who has decided that he just doesn't like me. Or to put it more bluntly-- it's really that we are a same-sex couple and he doesn't approve..
If you go back to my postings in August, you will see the upset that he caused when we made a trip up there that month. It took me a long time to bounce back from that and I think it's going to take me a lifetime of dealing with it.
It's a very funny thing too--"Heart's" family are really the only people we have had trouble with the whole time we have been together. Others, both family and friends are so very happy for us. In fact, she does have family (not immediate) that are wonderful and treat me very very well. If they were the ones we would be with at Thanksgiving, we would have no problem at all. But..alas..it isn't that way. The problem(s) lie within her immediate family and I cannot bring myself to go back there--especially not for a holiday. I don't think I can be mistreated again. Not for just loving the person I love. I wonder to myself, "why can't they just be happy for us"?
So I'm going to be here alone on Thanksgiving but not alone too. Thankfully, two of my sons are coming, one with his girlfriend and baby and the other who will be off-school from college. I love them dearly and want to spend time with them. It's just that it would be nice if ALL of us could be together. I do really count "Heart" as a member of my family. To me, we are a real "couple" and that means spending holidays together.
I was just thinking of that song by LeeAnn Rimes, "Blue":
"Blue..oh so lonesome for you.."
"Why can't you be blue over me?"
"Blue..tears fill my eyes till I can't see.."
Three 'o clock in the morning,..here am I..sitting here so lonely..so lonesome I could cry.."
Of course the song is about a jilted lover, which I am not, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
And I'm very very very "Blue" about the whole thing.
So blog people, cheer me up, send me some love and let me know how you feel about it all.
How would it be if you and your significant other were not together on a holiday?
I'd be interested to know..
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